I don't care much for Joan Rivers. She's filled with as much plastic as she is spite and she's relentlessly obnoxious, but one quote of hers has always struck a chord with me:
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
In the six months I've been married, there's nothing I've received more than advice. The ladies in my life (and random women in Tesco) have tips from everything from which ironing water to buy to which store has the best produce to how to keep your marriage a happy one. I am never short of advice on all subjects, whether or not it was sought after.
When I got married and left my family behind, I was welcomed by a new one. My husband's family was as different to mine as humanly possible and adjusting to their constant presence in my life was (and still is) a balancing act. When talking to loved ones and friends, I began to receive a myriad of advice on how to handle day-to-day situations, squabbles and challenging subjects.
Each piece of advice was more varied than the next. I was advised to focus on myself and be selfish or try to be a good daughter-in-law and find the ever-fabled 'happy medium'. But what would be the deciding factor in which words of wisdom I took to heart? Both sides of the coin appealed to me. I had left everything behind and crossed an ocean - why shouldn't I focus on my own happiness? On the other hand, I had the choice to make things easy or make things hard with my in-laws. I could try to be pleasant, compromise (sometimes while biting my tongue) and keep an open mind, or not.
I tossed and turned at night over the suggestions presented to me. I picked words apart while on the train or washing dishes. I re-played scenarios from my daily life in my head, wondering which method would have suited me best.
Then I realized I had forgotten one major thing. I didn't take a second look at the people giving me advice to determine if they were in the position to guide me at all.
The group of people who had advised me were split into roughly two categories. Half of them were miserable and had less than blissful relationships with their spouse's family and friends. The other half struggled from time to time but had a more positive outlook on life and had a better overall relationship with their in-laws. Both parties were strong, successful and open-minded in their regular lives but when it came to their approach with those who should be nearest and dearest, the former group stood their ground so strongly that with time, their actions lead to the destruction of any and all bonds created. They had unhappy family reunions, dreaded visits and holidays with their spouse's family and had such anger and resentment towards them that they didn't realize how cold they sounded. Though I cared for them, did I respect what they had to say and more importantly, what type of person they'd become? Did I want to be like them?
Once upon a time, those same women started off like me, totally new to the scenario presented to them with the choice to take their own path. They dealt with hardships but some arrived unscathed on the other side while others were embittered by the process. All of the women advising me had to look at the years past in their lives before offering me suggestions on how to move forward with mine, but only a handful genuinely wanted to guide me to have a better experience than they had. The words of warning they provided were offered freely so that I would save myself (and others) from heartache and regret.
Part of choosing which pieces of advice to take during the course of your life is deciding what kind of person you want to be. Before I got married, I was often frustratingly independent, stubborn and focused on the present, rather than able to have the clarity required to think of the future. Looking at the friends and family giving me advice, I saw flashes of who I was and who I wanted to be. Getting married and moving to another country requires you to change to roll with the punches and maybe at this point in my life, I decided, I should fine-tune my filter and tune out the noise and external influences I find at every turn.
There will be angry days, tears and low points, but I'd rather tell my strong and demanding side to take a seat while I soften my rough edges and learn to forgive and forget than travel in a direction that has transformed other relationships beyond the point of repair. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is cast aside the words of those you love and respect the most to see things with a fresh perspective...and listen to Joan Rivers.
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
In the six months I've been married, there's nothing I've received more than advice. The ladies in my life (and random women in Tesco) have tips from everything from which ironing water to buy to which store has the best produce to how to keep your marriage a happy one. I am never short of advice on all subjects, whether or not it was sought after.
When I got married and left my family behind, I was welcomed by a new one. My husband's family was as different to mine as humanly possible and adjusting to their constant presence in my life was (and still is) a balancing act. When talking to loved ones and friends, I began to receive a myriad of advice on how to handle day-to-day situations, squabbles and challenging subjects.
Each piece of advice was more varied than the next. I was advised to focus on myself and be selfish or try to be a good daughter-in-law and find the ever-fabled 'happy medium'. But what would be the deciding factor in which words of wisdom I took to heart? Both sides of the coin appealed to me. I had left everything behind and crossed an ocean - why shouldn't I focus on my own happiness? On the other hand, I had the choice to make things easy or make things hard with my in-laws. I could try to be pleasant, compromise (sometimes while biting my tongue) and keep an open mind, or not.
I tossed and turned at night over the suggestions presented to me. I picked words apart while on the train or washing dishes. I re-played scenarios from my daily life in my head, wondering which method would have suited me best.
Then I realized I had forgotten one major thing. I didn't take a second look at the people giving me advice to determine if they were in the position to guide me at all.
The group of people who had advised me were split into roughly two categories. Half of them were miserable and had less than blissful relationships with their spouse's family and friends. The other half struggled from time to time but had a more positive outlook on life and had a better overall relationship with their in-laws. Both parties were strong, successful and open-minded in their regular lives but when it came to their approach with those who should be nearest and dearest, the former group stood their ground so strongly that with time, their actions lead to the destruction of any and all bonds created. They had unhappy family reunions, dreaded visits and holidays with their spouse's family and had such anger and resentment towards them that they didn't realize how cold they sounded. Though I cared for them, did I respect what they had to say and more importantly, what type of person they'd become? Did I want to be like them?
Once upon a time, those same women started off like me, totally new to the scenario presented to them with the choice to take their own path. They dealt with hardships but some arrived unscathed on the other side while others were embittered by the process. All of the women advising me had to look at the years past in their lives before offering me suggestions on how to move forward with mine, but only a handful genuinely wanted to guide me to have a better experience than they had. The words of warning they provided were offered freely so that I would save myself (and others) from heartache and regret.
Part of choosing which pieces of advice to take during the course of your life is deciding what kind of person you want to be. Before I got married, I was often frustratingly independent, stubborn and focused on the present, rather than able to have the clarity required to think of the future. Looking at the friends and family giving me advice, I saw flashes of who I was and who I wanted to be. Getting married and moving to another country requires you to change to roll with the punches and maybe at this point in my life, I decided, I should fine-tune my filter and tune out the noise and external influences I find at every turn.
There will be angry days, tears and low points, but I'd rather tell my strong and demanding side to take a seat while I soften my rough edges and learn to forgive and forget than travel in a direction that has transformed other relationships beyond the point of repair. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is cast aside the words of those you love and respect the most to see things with a fresh perspective...and listen to Joan Rivers.
Don't
follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your
spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/advice.html#i3b47O455UM09fHt.99
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/advice.html#i3b47O455UM09fHt.99
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