How to be a good wife and other bullshit concerns

While struggling with the never-ending list of ridiculous chores and tasks to do around the house, I came across this little gem. Websites (like Snopes) have failed to determine whether or not this article (said to be found in a home economics textbook) is genuine, but for the sake of shits and giggles, it's too good to pass up.

Behold a 1950's guide to being a good wife...

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

While my darling husband IS hungry when he comes home, the warm welcome he usually gets is my white-hot frustration with getting everything in "ship-shape" for dinner. It is impossible to roll my eyes far back enough at the thought of dreaming up wholesome meals for his enjoyment when I have the phone ringing off the hook, a pile of ironing that could begin collecting dust any day now, a laundry hamper akin to Mary Poppin's carpet bag and a glass of wine I have yet to polish off.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Yesterday my husband came home to me wearing mens sweatpants and a t-shirt with paint on it. Enough said.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to relax and unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Clear away the 'clutter'? The most I can successfully do in a house as busy as ours is grab everybody's stuff and dump it on the stairs in hopes that they won't ignore it for the one-thousandth time. I do take pride in cleaning the lint trap, though. There's that immense personal satisfaction I've heard so much about.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s faces and hands (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

 No kids yet. OhthankyouGod.

Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Okay, this I can do. I'm happy to see him after having little-to-no adult or engaging conversation the entire day. Not sure if he gets a chance to talk first but after being together for four years and married for six months, he knows better than to dream.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Because this is the wildest dream of any industrious woman who used to work sixty hours a week and now spends her time staring at the clock hoping her husband will come home so her mind doesn't implode from sheer boredom. 

Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

I make our home a place of pizza, Jack Daniel's and re-runs of An Idiot Abroad. I feel that's doing my duty.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Stayed out all night? Is he Don Draper?

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Offer to take off his shoes? By the time he gets home, I have destroyed the kitchen in vegetable peels, spilled sauces and countless rings of condensation from my 'soothing and pleasant' drink of the day. I am just trying to hold on for dear life by the time he strolls in at 7:30.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or question his integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Master of the house? Exercise his will? There's not even move for questioning? I'm not sure if this is an archaic approach to being a faithful servant to an angry God or tips to ensure marital bliss.

A good wife always knows her place.

(By the wine rack)